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learning to breathe... and receive
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Sunday, March 25, 2007
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A bit of introspection, here... I figure, it's my blog! I'm entitled to talk about myself once in a while, yes? - Yes.
We spent tonight's D.T.T.(which brings all of our Chi Alpha groups together) exhorting, encouraging, and rejoicing in what the Lord has done - is doing - and WILL do in our lives. I got up and shared my piece (something I'm really starting to enjoy doing), but in thinking about what I, and others, had said, I began to think about the things God has given me... and I realized something about myself: I am not very good at accepting gifts.
I don't mean to say that I am unable to accept anything from anyone; I do fine with most compliments, hugs, care packages... small trinkets... applause (okay - I'm not being entirely serious here, lol). And with the bigger things, I'm learning. And it's not that I think I'm horrible... but I still feel, to some extent, inadequate or unworthy most of the time. I think I used to consider it 'humility;' I think I worry(ed) that I would become somehow TOO confident, and end up prideful (and most likely friendless). But the question I'm asking now is, why don't I believe that there's a place of confidence, of spiritual authority, that I am CALLED to - that is NOT pride? And why don't I trust God to take me there?
I'm realizing, too, that sometimes it's people I just don't feel worthy of. Strange, and enigmatic, I know - but I'm noticing how awkward or anxious I feel sometimes when I interact with people. Even this week, I debated and debated with myself over whether or not to just call my XA friends and say, "I'm going through a really rough time, and I really need you to pray for me"... but I didn't do it, and didn't do it... and then finally felt God say, They love you, Erin. And you love them. Let them pray for you - they WANT to bless you! And so, finally, Thursday night, I did. And they were glad to. How could I have ever thought otherwise? :)
Usually, though, with Chi Alpha, it [receiving gift(s)] comes so easily, somehow. I am SO thankful for everyone there, and for the work that God is doing in me... in them... in us... in those around us. After each meeting as I say my good-byes I find myself counting the days until I'll be able to see everyone again. God has blessed me with such a strong, loving community. Do I deserve it? The answer is no, but yes: NO, as in, I am human, and I'm far from perfect, and my life itself does not warrant rewards such as these - but YES, as in, God is a loving Father, a giving Father, and He's blessed me as such because he LOVES me.
Why do I forget that so often? In the words of my friend Kimmy, "Jesus REALLY loves me!!" He takes me in while I'm still broken and ugly and transforms me into something beautiful, something beyond my imagining... and even though I'm not there yet, He's PROUD of me, proud to call me his daughter. How could I not desire to give my life to a God like that, a God who takes what I sacrifice and multiplies it ten-fold... thousand-fold? A God whose plan for me is SO much bigger than any I could ever dream up myself - a plan that, by all rights, I don't deserve?
So... just some things I'm learning. Among other things. God is SO good. SO good. :)
As a parting shot, I'd like to dedicate this blog to my biological father, our "dang pater-familia," who has showed from day one, 19 years ago, what fatherly love really looks like (and whose phone conversation served as an intermission for this blog). Love you, Dad-dad-daddio.
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