making a prelude out of a coda Thursday, March 29, 2007 GREAT news... AND some not-so happy news. I found out on Monday that I didn't get accepted to the music school. I don't know how I feel... one moment I'm fine and the next I want to cry again, thinking "I wasn't good enough... I wasn't good enough..." Like I've had so many people tell me, though - first Grace, then mom and Brad and Judy - 'Not making it' does NOT make you any less of a musician. I prayed all through the process that if that wasn't where God wanted me to spend my time, that He would close the door... and He did. Anna and Cree both said, "God's got bigger plans for you, Erin - WAY bigger." And I believe them. (It's just hard to give up something that's been such a huge part of my identity... all my life.) So, I guess that's the good news about the bad news. Spring break was good Uneventful, besides Mom being suddenly bedridden, but very good. I got to spend a lot of time 'restinig', hanging with Kelsey & Cree, and hanging out with people that "raised me" (Barb, Woody, Mark Marcuson, Brad & Judy, Bruce... and of course, Mom and Dad). Good stuff.

posted by erin. @ 3:03 AM [ 0 comments ]

a vocabulary lesson Monday, March 26, 2007 a·roint –vi. begone: as in "Aroint thee, witch!" (William Shakespeare, Macbeth) To balance out the last post (which was rather heavy) and to give evidence of my humanity (if you found you needed more), I thought I would add that tonight I burnt popcorn (while trying to re-pop it... don't ask) in our microwave. Again. And, fearing that the scent would penetrate the entire room like it has in times past, I quickly sealed the bag and rushed it to our bathroom, where I disposed of it in the trash can, far from any porous surface that might absorb the noisome odor. And lo, now our washroom smells of tuna. My apologies to my neighbors... ...Aroint thee, foul tuna-ish-burnt-popcorn odor!

posted by erin. @ 12:08 AM [ 0 comments ]

learning to breathe... and receive Sunday, March 25, 2007 A bit of introspection, here... I figure, it's my blog! I'm entitled to talk about myself once in a while, yes? - Yes. We spent tonight's D.T.T.(which brings all of our Chi Alpha groups together) exhorting, encouraging, and rejoicing in what the Lord has done - is doing - and WILL do in our lives. I got up and shared my piece (something I'm really starting to enjoy doing), but in thinking about what I, and others, had said, I began to think about the things God has given me... and I realized something about myself: I am not very good at accepting gifts. I don't mean to say that I am unable to accept anything from anyone; I do fine with most compliments, hugs, care packages... small trinkets... applause (okay - I'm not being entirely serious here, lol). And with the bigger things, I'm learning. And it's not that I think I'm horrible... but I still feel, to some extent, inadequate or unworthy most of the time. I think I used to consider it 'humility;' I think I worry(ed) that I would become somehow TOO confident, and end up prideful (and most likely friendless). But the question I'm asking now is, why don't I believe that there's a place of confidence, of spiritual authority, that I am CALLED to - that is NOT pride? And why don't I trust God to take me there? I'm realizing, too, that sometimes it's people I just don't feel worthy of. Strange, and enigmatic, I know - but I'm noticing how awkward or anxious I feel sometimes when I interact with people. Even this week, I debated and debated with myself over whether or not to just call my XA friends and say, "I'm going through a really rough time, and I really need you to pray for me"... but I didn't do it, and didn't do it... and then finally felt God say, They love you, Erin. And you love them. Let them pray for you - they WANT to bless you! And so, finally, Thursday night, I did. And they were glad to. How could I have ever thought otherwise? :) Usually, though, with Chi Alpha, it [receiving gift(s)] comes so easily, somehow. I am SO thankful for everyone there, and for the work that God is doing in me... in them... in us... in those around us. After each meeting as I say my good-byes I find myself counting the days until I'll be able to see everyone again. God has blessed me with such a strong, loving community. Do I deserve it? The answer is no, but yes: NO, as in, I am human, and I'm far from perfect, and my life itself does not warrant rewards such as these - but YES, as in, God is a loving Father, a giving Father, and He's blessed me as such because he LOVES me. Why do I forget that so often? In the words of my friend Kimmy, "Jesus REALLY loves me!!" He takes me in while I'm still broken and ugly and transforms me into something beautiful, something beyond my imagining... and even though I'm not there yet, He's PROUD of me, proud to call me his daughter. How could I not desire to give my life to a God like that, a God who takes what I sacrifice and multiplies it ten-fold... thousand-fold? A God whose plan for me is SO much bigger than any I could ever dream up myself - a plan that, by all rights, I don't deserve? So... just some things I'm learning. Among other things. God is SO good. SO good. :) As a parting shot, I'd like to dedicate this blog to my biological father, our "dang pater-familia," who has showed from day one, 19 years ago, what fatherly love really looks like (and whose phone conversation served as an intermission for this blog). Love you, Dad-dad-daddio.

posted by erin. @ 11:07 PM [ 0 comments ]

last hour, last week, last month... Saturday, March 24, 2007 Saturday has officially become cleaning day. All week long, my "life piles up" (as we like to say), in the form of papers on my desk, books on the floor, and - depending on when laundry day falls - clothes spilling out of my closet (the verb most often used to describe the latter event is "explode"). Then, Saturday comes, and voila! Time to re-order the week's clutter. Sometimes it's more cathartic than I realize - and having a clean space to study in is GREAT (like Biology, for instance, which I SHOULD be studying right now... ah well. I'll get back to it). ANYWAY. Exciting news!! Aaaahhh!! :D A month or two ago, a group of Japanese students (in the U.S. for a 6 week English-learning exchange program) visited Chi Alpha's table at the events fair; they were excited by the fact that we did things like ice skating, snowboarding, bowling, etc., and they wanted to know if it was okay if they joined us, even though they "Didn't have any religion." (The answer, of course, was - OF COURSE!) They came bowling with us, and I got to share a lane with two of the girls, Mina and Mai - it was SO much fun! - a few of them came ice skating with us a week later, and people from XA kept on running into them. We were praying for them like crazy - family, friends, even the congregation at CIA church - but, at least for me, the fact that they were heading home during our spring break was kinda saddening... (O ye - me - of little faith...?) In spite of that, though... I flew back to Minnesota to GREAT news.... and I got to hear it twice that evening! :) ...through this strange sequence of connections, a few of the students had met a Japanese student from North Central, and she had 7 of them over for dinner at her mom's house, joined by our friend Stas. It sounds like they had a lot of fun; a conversation started about what they had enjoyed most here in the U.S., and a few of them mentioned how everyone they met had been connected (it WAS strange how that happened!) - but eventually the conversations began going deeper, and before all was said and done - six students dedicated their lives to Christ. And not only that, but God REALLY met them - one of the girls had a vision, heard God's voice... amazing. Amazing!! I don't write to boast - far from it! I had very little to do with what transpired. But that's how God works, sometimes - all we did, as a group, was pray and show them a Godly love by being ourselves, hanging out, having fun... but seeing what God did in them, for them, has been such a blessing and an encouragement for us (and a nudge towards a missions trip destination in the near future?? :) eh?). It was also very challenging for me, too; when it comes to "expectation," I now see just how little I expect of God - and what a sad thing! He can do ANYTHING... I want to learn to expect... well, more than I can expect or imagine, and to really trust him to show up. Aw, nuts. My computer's dying, and I need to get back to reading my Biology textbook... but I just HAD to share. Pray that we would keep expecting, keep pressing in, keep praising God for everything - encouraging and challenginig, expected and unexpected.

posted by erin. @ 4:26 PM [ 0 comments ]

back from spring break Sunday, March 18, 2007 Tomorrow: nap time. After four classes and some homework... What a day! ...What a week! A quick teaser: I have AMAZING news. But I want to accompany it with pictures (here). So we'll wait until I'm more coherent, THEN tackle the wonderfulness. :) Spring break was really, REALLY nice... a nice break from the rush of school. It felt a little surreal going home this time, even though at didn't at Christmas... I think it might have been the absence of a major holiday, like Christmas (I'm excluding St. Patty's day from that category, even though I love you Irish blokes). I guess I'll go through a quick recap - VERY quick. FRIDAY: Went to Kelsey's play. She died one scene before the end of Act I. People cried. I was distressed. BUT - everyone did wonderfully! Hurrah, LNE Play-ers! Hung out with Cree, Cle, Justin, Blair, and Dallas... hurrah, Sonic - and didgeridoos! SATURDAY: Ate brunch with the Woodheads (even Courtney!) and Mark Marcuson. So, SO wonderful to see them again and get to chat - my goal this week was to get to spend time with the people who - basically - raised me, physically and spiritually, and I got to! GAVE KELSEY HER JELLO-ENCASED MUG! Hurrah! SUNDAY: Church. YAY! Jumped around with Brucey and the gang. Lunch with Cree at Chili's, met some Nebraska Chi Alpha folks (even Kyle, who's from MN! It's like we traded or something!) MONDAY: Ate breakfast at Gma and Gpa's townhouse (with Dad, of course!)... mmm... bacon-egg-mcmuffin-things... :) Hung out with my mom, who was really, really sick :( Made a grocery store run. Took a nap. Missed four calls within two hours. Ate with Gma and Gpa again, this time at Valentino's... mmm... Italian buffet! Went and visited Cree late at night at her temporary house. Met Carissa & Sheila. Ate girl scout cookies. TUESDAY: 80 degrees! Found a bunch of my old journals. Went on a solo outing to Pioneer's Park. Visited the Nature Center I loved when I was a kid. Took a walk. Did some soul-searching. Decided I might make it after all. WEDNESDAY: Lunch with Brucey & Co. at Noodles... mmm... mac'n'cheese. ROCK SOLID! So great to worship with all those kids again. Testimony party at Cree's, hurrah! THURSDAY: Ate lunch with the Riddles at Lazlo's - came away with GREAT advice, and an e-mail address! The Office was a re-run. Phbbt. Finished last bit of homework (I KNOW!). FRIDAY: Met Barb for Brunch (Kelsey too!) at the Green Gateau. Bought some sweet shades (and a headband!) at Target with Kelsey. Ate Mexican cornbread (YUM). "Granny-ified" myself. Went to Brita and Anna's timely Halloween dance. Was suprised by the appearance of Matt and Brita! Yay! SATURDAY: Woke up earlier than originally intended... v. strange. Laundry. Cleaning. Packing. Played Jeux D'eau [probably] the best I've played it yet. Kelsey's track meet (GOOOOO Rockets!). Haircuts with Hanna. More packing. CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE! Cranium night with dear old friends, with complimentary veggie chips and bean soup. :) A quick visit to Ellen (and Sammy). SUNDAY: Forgot to set alarm. Still made it to first service! Church - wonderful as usual. Had Christine Cornwell & Cree pray over me before I headed back. Laughed with the Bobs. Drank apple cider. Ate Reubens. Drove to Omaha. Flew (all of 45 minutes...!). Heard the AMAZING story (take one) from Mike on the way home. Heard full version of the AMAZING story AT Chi Alpha from Stas. So happy! Prayed. Ate cake for Mike's birthday. Got excited with Teresa and Heather about next year. Obtained a new role: media specialist (?). And now, MONDAY. Sleep. I can unpack tomorrow....

posted by erin. @ 11:56 PM [ 0 comments ]